Seeds of Doubt

Around this time of year I get very sentimental remembering back to the start of my Discipleship Training School with Youth With A Mission (YWAM). I got on an airplane in January and for the first time in my life I was away from my parents for 5 ½ months straight. My school was in New Zealand on an old Japanese fishing boat.  It was an amazing life changing experience.

 

What I am reminded of most right now is the doubt I felt getting on that airplane eight years ago. Months before I left and leading up to the day of departure I felt confident in the decision I was supposed to do this- I want to do this. On the day of departure I could not find any reason as to why I wanted to get on the airplane. I cried and was sick to my stomach. Yet, my parents in their faithfulness pushed me through the security line, even as so much of them wanted to keep me with them. They told me I could stop at any of my layovers and come back, but I needed to take the first step of faith to board the airplane right now. The first two legs where pretty uneventful.

However, when I got to Los Angeles and had to find the international terminal I was convinced I was turning around to go home. As I wandered around lost I felt the doubt creeping back in as the tears welled up in my eyes.  I was supposed to meet up with a couple other students I had “met” online, but I could not find them.  We never exchanged pictures only described ourselves. When we were to get to New Zealand the other students and I were to share a cab to the YWAM location. Not finding them only increased the doubt and anxiousness in my heart. Somehow (Holy Spirit leading) I managed to get on the 14 hour flight to New Zealand.

Upon arrival the other students waited in the terminal for me. As we waited for our suitcases mine was the very last on the conveyer belt- not just last but a long pause to the point I thought it was lost.  We found a cab driver after much delay in finding a pay phone and getting our money converted.  Soon we began the two hour drive from Auckland to Tauranga. Most of the rest of the day was a blur. I was just thankful to have arrived at the destination. Needless to say, the day I left for YWAM was the day I experienced a roller coaster of doubt.

How quickly I let the little seeds of doubt grow in my mind. I would like to say I have learned to conquer seeds of doubt, but I have not. What I have learned is not to listen or let the seeds of doubt control my emotions as much. The verse I refer to most is 2 Timothy 1:7, “For God does not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and self-discipline.” I memorized this verse on YWAM and have held it close to my heart ever since.  

Too often we let doubt and emotions control our actions. We let fearfulness and timidity be our guide rather than allowing power, love, and self-discipline help us to step out on faith. When we act in faithfulness for God you can very well bet Satan is acting to do everything he can to stop us. Some may say you cannot give Satan that much credit. I would say in response John 10:10a, “The thief comes to steal and kill and destroy.” The enemy can merely plant a thought and we grow it by watering it more with thoughts of doubt, allowing it to get nourishment by being given any exposure to correctness in our mind, and a well-nourished root system that does not know God’s promises. To combat the growth of doubt is to trace where the doubt is coming from, face the doubt, and replace it with God’s promises. The biggest way we conquer doubt is by knowing God’s Word. “The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you, Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”(Deut. 31:8). God is with us wherever we go. I found that God would not just up and leave me in New Zealand especially when I was there to grow close to Him. He went before me to prepare the way and I am learning the safest place to be is where God wants you to be.